Week 5 picks

By Jeff

The embarrassment continues as my record trends in the wrong direction as I went 5-9 last week. Seriously? Five and nine!? Looking at the season total, my record is 26-33-3

This is why I don't bet on the NFL. Kelson tried getting me to start betting on some site, and I was really tempted. Then I saw my picks go down the drain and realized there were better ways to spend my money, like food!

I even tried to cut back on my losses last week by completely ignoring the Indianapolis-Jacksonville game. I didn't even notice until I went back to check Week 4's record. Low and behold, it's like the Indy game didn't exist. Well, I would have picked Indy, so that will go down as a loss. Balls.

My miss of the week, other than omitting a game, was Chicago (+4) against the New York Giants. We all knew going in that the Bears offensive line, but giving up nine sacks in a quarter is ridiculous. Even I felt bad for Jay Cutler, and he's a tool!

Let's move on. As always (Well, since Week 3), the home team is in all caps.

"Really? You can see my unibrow
from up there?"

Denver (+7) over BALTIMORE: In four weeks, the Ravens offense has yet to explode like many expected. They have yet to win a game by more than seven points. They're not going to this week. Champ Bailey is going to make sure of that.

Jacksonville (PK) over BUFFALO: Which Jacksonville team is going to show up? The one that beat the Colts in a shootout, or the ones who got boat raced by the San Diego Chargers? Similarly, are the Bills going to put up 30 like they did against the New England Patriots in Week 3? I don't have a clue.

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over Kansas City: If this were in KC, I'd go the other way. The Chiefs are not as good as their 3-0 record, but they do have two good running backs. They will have a lot of fun trampling the depleted Colts defense. But Peyton Manning is going to light up the Chiefs defense.

St. Louis (+3) over DETROIT: Two wins already for the Rams! The greatest show on turf is back! Not really, but the Lions suck.

Atlanta (-3) at CLEVELAND: Hotlanta needed a last second field goal last week to beat the pathetic San Francisco 49ers, but I see Michael Turner rebounding with a big game against the Browns. I'm not saying that because I have Turner on a fantasy team. I'm saying that because I hate the Browns and I want Turner to beat them like the turds they are.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) over CINCINNATI: Probably going to be another miss for me. The Bucs aren't very good against the run, which the Bengals do well. I just don't trust Carson Palmer. Ever.

I'm so jealous of Clay Matthews.

CAROLINA (+2.5) over Chicago: Cutler is going to be having flashbacks from last week. By this, I mean he is going to run into the back of his own endzone, throw the ball into the stands, crawl into the fetal position and wail like a little girl. It was only a matter of time. If Cutler doesn't play because of last week's concussion, he will be puking in a dark room somewhere. Win-win!

Green Bay (-2.5) over WASHINGTON: They're 3-1, but the Packers are not playing like Super Bowl contenders. They have yet to play a complete game. Fortunately, they won't need one to beat the Redskins by a field goal.

New York Giants (+3) over HOUSTON: Giants are praying Andre Johnson doesn't suit up. Even if he does, Johnson won't be 100 percent. That will allow the Giants to stack the box and bring the pain. It won't be the beatdown they put on Cutler, but four or five sacks isn't out of the question.

New Orleans (-6.5) over ARIZONA: Pretty sure the Saints have burned me every week this season. They are facing a rookie quarterback in this one and... wait a minute. I remember writing that sentence before. Yeah, that's what I said last week and the Saints almost lost to Jimmy Clausen.

CORRECTION****
ARIZONA (+6.5) over New Orleans: Larry Fitzgerald and Max Hall will hit it off and make a game of it.

San Diego (-6) over OAKLAND: San Diego has really laid some eggs on the road this season with losses to KC and Seattle. Oakland is looking completely mediocre. Phillip Rivers will throw for a lot of yards a couple touchdowns and some picks. Bruce Gradkowski won't throw as many touchdowns. Advantage Chargers. Pretty brilliant analysis, right?

Tennessee (+6.5) over DALLAS: I still have no idea which Dallas will show up. The one that looked atrocious against the Redskins and Bears, or the one that looked tremendous against the Texans. Either way, I like Tennessee's defense too much to pick Dallas.

Allen celebrates after hitting the QB, and
letting the RB run for 10 yards.

Philadelphia (+3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO: OK, I can kind of understand why Vegas is favoring the 49ers. Michael Vick won't play for the Eagles, and Kevin Kolb is afraid to throw the ball over 10 yards. I get it. But the 49ers haven't won a game this season and have struggled to score points. They're not going to win this game. Frank Gore might kill someone, but they won't win.

Minnesota (+4) over NEW YORK JETS: The Randy Moss edition helps, but I'm making this pick because the Vikings can get after the quarterback. Jared Allen doesn't give a crap about stopping the run. He just wants to sack the QB, make his lame fishing celebration and then maybe try to wreck a guy's knee. These actions will keep the game within a field goal one way or the other.

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