Thursday, October 28, 2010

Levels of Candy

By Joe

I have a soft spot in my heart for Halloween. A soft, nougat-filled, caramel-injected center of my chocolate, candy-coated heart. There’s something about carving a pumpkin, I just love it. It is Halloween. There is one Halloween memory that I’ve had in my head for a decade and a half. Lights, please…

I was in 5th grade, maybe 6th, I dunno. I was old enough to go trick-or-treating without my parents (not even tailing us from the street!). Me and about 14 other kids from my neighborhood met up to trick-or-treat the shit out of that night. Imagine Sherman’s March to the Sea, but with goblins and candy not armies and destruction. I dressed up as a “Mad Scientist”. I wore my father’s starchy white dress shirt as a lab coat and put sparkly blue tooth paste in my hair. Like I said, mad scientist.
Official trick-or-treat start time was 5:30. We started at 5:20 and didn’t stop. Trick-or-treating had never been attempted at such a ferocious pace. Sprinting from door to door in nearly straight lines. There was no time to walk all the way down the steps and out to the street, then to the next driveway, and then up even more steps. None of that. Flower gardens, low hanging branches, poorly lit retaining walls…it didn’t matter. We were on a candy collection coup.
I remember sweating through some stage make-up my Mom thought would really “top off” my costume. My pillow case was getting really heavy. The toothpaste warmed on my scalp. I panted, “Tricker-treat” as neighbors opened their doors. They wanted to chat and observe costumes. Can’t you see we’re on a mission to get as much candy as freakin’ possible?!?! C’mon lady!! Give me the loot and I’ll leave! (directly through your nice flowers).
This continued for more than three hours until we hit every house on every street in Trotwood Hills. I swear I must have had 30 pounds of candy by the end of the night. We sat in my friend’s front yard, absolutely exhausted from the evening, but excited and proud of the candy mountains we had amassed. We drank water and began the age old ritual known as The Great Halloween Candy Swap.

In candy exchanging tradition, like anything else in this world, there are levels. From candy you’d fight for to items you would give away for free.

The Untouchables
These items are completely off-limits to everyone else at all times. No negotiating, never ever ever. You earned these candies. It is your God-given right to eat these on your own schedule and you would only ever share with those people nearest and dearest to you. Scratch that, you’re keeping all of them for yourself. My Untouchable Halloween Candy: Anything King-Size, Twix, Snickers, Butterfingers, Reese’s Cups, and Peanut M&M’s.

Fantasy Football Equivalent: Chris Johnson 2009, Priest Holmes 2001-2004, Drew Brees 2008-2009

The Bargaining Chips
You liked these items and would eat them enthusiastically. You’re just not married to them. They could be traded, but only carefully. Bonus if you trade one of these for an Untouchable. My Bargaining Chips of Halloween Candy: Milky Ways, Regular M&Ms, Pixie Stix, 100 Grands, Three Musketeers, and Kit-Kats.

Fantasy Football Equivalent: Hines Ward entire career, Edgerrin James as a Cardinal, Donovan McNabb.
The Leftovers
You’d give these away for free about a week after Halloween, even to your little sister. They mean nothing to you. You’re pissed that people even passed them out. They occupied space in your bag that could have been filled with either level of candy mentioned above. You patted yourself on the back if you could somehow turn these into a Bargaining Chip. My Leftovers of Halloween Candy: Jolly Ranchers, Cow Tales, the potato chip bags specifically for trick-or-treating, Reese’s Pieces, Fun Dip, and Mounds.
Fantasy Football Equivalent: Tim Tebow entire career, Matt Cassel 2009, Tony Romo remainder of 2010.

What Halloween Candy would be in each of your levels?
The Groovie Goolies – The Monster Mash


  1. I would trade any jolly rancher but green apple. Love green apple.

    I always wanted Clark and Hershey Bars. No way I would give those up.

    The worst was this older couple that always gave out popcorn balls. They came undone by the end of the night every time. Then you just had friggin' popcorn all throughout your bag.

  2. No love for Reese's Pieces? They'd be a bargaining chip for me. I'd also swap you a Kit Kat for a Snicker's. Love me some Kit Kat.

    I will forever think about this bit when Halloween is brought up. If you have six minutes it perfectly describes this absurd holiday.

  3. Greg, I always thought I was weird for loving Reese's Cups but not really liking Reese's Pieces.
    The key was to not let your friends (or siblings) know what candy fell into what level for you.

  4. Yo.. We would have been awesome bahtering partnahs because I hate Twix, Reese Cups, Snickahs, and Peanut M & M's... but I love cow tails, fun dip, and reese pieces... But as you know I HATE Halloween, not because of the numerous sloos wearing nothing but their skivvies...but of something that happened to me when I was a wee lil tyke.. I've never spoken of this until today because it pained me so much...but its time...this blog has inspired me to release the demons from within....

    It was a Daaahk and crisp night for the fall in New England.. I was dressed up as my hero, Carl Yastrzemski... That night I was in the zone, felt like Yaz in '67 when he won the triple crown. I was scoring "untouchables" left and right, fellow Chowds would go back inside to give me their kids' untouchables..They could sense what I was doing.. They knew this Halloween would go down in history, and they wanted to be apaht of it. They wanted to say "Yes, "I" contributed to Beantown Burgahs magical run in the fall of 1992."

    It was a once in a lifetime feat. I was doing the equivalent of pitching a perfect game, except Halloween style. My friends stopped talking to me about an houah in, they soon dropped back let me get two or three houses ahead as to not throw off my mojo. I was nearing the homestretch..It was the Top of the 9th. The whole neighbahood was cheering me on... I was on the last street in the neighbahood. I've hit every house and the pillowcase contained approximately 83.333 (repeating of course)% untouchables... Nothing like this has evah been done....The closest accomplishment to date was when Fat Tony scorahed a mergah 52% untouchable rate and hit 90% of the houses...

    Then it happened.....

    As I turned the cornah of the last street, I hung an 0-2 curveball, and it was blasted into centerfield..... I saw the first three houses turn of their lights... It was a devastating moment, on the lines of Bill Buckner in Game 6 of the '86 World Series.. My perfect game was ovah..But not to be deterred, I kept trecking... I still had a shoutout going... I get to the second to last house. The home of the devil himself, a notorious yankee fan. I meagerly approach the door.."Trick or Treat"....

    He spies my Yaz costume and the narcissistic voodoo worshiping man says "For you, I have something special complements of Bucky Dent and the Ghost of the Bambino" and drops a large paper bag in my pillow case. I shrug off the odd Halloween treat and finish off the last house. I throw my stash over my shoulda and start the 15 minute walk back to my house.

    As I'm nearing my home a notice the sweet succulent smell of warm, melting chocolate. Hmmm must be getting hungry I think to myself.. I scurry home to devour my prize. Upon my return I reach my hand into the sack to smash some mouthwatering, luscious candy. First piece I pull out melted..hmmm.. second try MELTED!!! WTF?!?! I dump the pillow case out and see a brown goeyness spread across the kitchen floor. It can only be described as candy diarrhea. I'm perplexed. I want to cry. My once perfect Halloween run just came crashing down like my dreams when David Tyree caught Mannings pass in the 2008 Super Bowl. I search for the cause. I look in the bag I received from the loathsome, evil Yankee fan. Inside I find a near 1/2 pound Idaho baked potato double wrapped in Reynolds Heavy Duty tin foil. I picked it up still hot to the touch...bastard!!I read the note that is carefully folded up, it reads "You asked for a trick or treat. I chose trick...This probably hurts as much as 1912. HA HA HA"


    And THAT! is why I hate Halloween, and THAT is why I LOATHE Yankee Fans, and will continue to chastise them. I'm almost over it now, but I'd be a liar if I didn't say I don't dream about the day I can return the favor to a lil bastard yankee fan with compliments from David Ortiz in the 2004 ALCS Red Sox...

  5. P.S. Yo, Nance gave me a shitton of Halloween Candy, and well since I am against Halloween I refuse to eat it. Stop by and pick some goodies up

  6. By far the longest and best comment this blog has ever seen.

    What a dick!

    Who puts a hot baked potato in a child's Halloween bag. Maybe if it was one of those kids way too old to be trick-or-treating, but a kid? Wow.

    I get what you were saying with people giving you "their kids' untouchables" but you have to admit, that sounds kinda dirty.

  7. Hahaha, I never even thought of the way that would sound it does sound pretty dirty....but in a goooood way haha

  8. Mallow cups, 'nuff said.

  9. Would any one trade their Kit Kats for some Turkish Delight, hmm?

  10. Like from The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe?

  11. Yeah, Aslan means "lion" in Turkish!