1. Miami - I cannot wait for this team to go 68-14 and sell out every single game they play home and away. You cannot tell me this isn't great for the NBA. If you are somehow still thinking, "how will LeBron and Wade play together" or "they only have 3 players" remember this fact: LeBron carried a team with no all stars for the past seven years. Even if Bosh and Wade both came down with Chlamydia on opening night, LeBron still has Mike Miller and Udonis Haslem, who are better than Anderson Varejo and Grandpa Mo Williams.
2. Orlando - As much as I hate this team and don't buy into the Dwight Howard worked on his game this summer hype, they will pretty much dominant every team not based in the state of Florida. Big loss in Matt Barnes and no, Q Richardson (star of Van Wilder) does not make up for it. Also, I kind of want to see Vince Carter fake a seizure on court this year, since's he has faked every other injury ever.
3. Clev...oh wait Boston - Boston will roll out a roster with 5 players that have more than 10 years experience. Their top 3 big men, Shaq, KG, and Jermaine "Crowd Fightin'" O'Neal are over 100 years old combined. No joke. I can't imagine this team doing anything once they get to the playoffs, but the east kind of sucks. Bill Simmons claims this team is deep, yet conveniently forgets that their backup SG carries guns on motorcycles and bangs Lebron's mom (allegedly), causing the Cavs to lose to the Celtics last spring and LeBron to bolt Cleveland...wait a second, had he already secretly signed a contract...that son of a bitch.
The Celtics Big 3.
4. Chicago Bulls - Carlos Boozer is out for a few months, big deal. This team has Omer Asik, or as I liked to call him Turkish gold. It pains me to look at these rosters and rank teams this high when their starting guards are named Ronnie Brewer, but Derrick Rose is a top 2 PG right now and Luol Deng is good for 10-8 on a nightly basis, just disregard the fact that he makes 12 million a year to make 5 baskets a night. Once Boozer comes back they will be fine. Also, if you were wondering where wunderkind/team cheerleader Brian Scalabrine ended up this year, look no further. I am concerned about whether or not his red hair is going to clash with the Bull uniforms though.
5. Milwaukee Bucks - Earl Boykins is back in the NBA and backing up Brandon Jennings, how can things go wrong? The Bucks have a reliable big man in Bogut and the rest of the team is basically a crapshoot. Let's run this:
Jennings (PG) - Great for about 35 games last year. Maybe he'll avoid the sophomore slump. I like him because he drives a Ford Focus. This man is savvy.
John Salmons (SG) - Awesome last year, but it was a contract year and Mr. Wesley Snipes might get a little lazy with some money in his bank account.
Michael Redd (SG) - I was sure he was dead.
Corey Maggette (SF) - Can't hit threes, awful defensively. Cranky.
Drew Gooden (PF) - 8 teams in 9 years. Yeah...I get the feeling he is unwanted.
Ersan Ilyasova (PF) - I know he can rebound..so ..thats good?
Larry Sanders (PG) - The Jewish HBO legend?
Seriously, this is the 5th best team in the conference.
6. Charlotte Bobcats - First playoffs ever last year (I was at the first home game) and we came back with a bang this summer...Oh what's that? We didn't improve at all and made some questionable moves like signing Darius Miles (Van Wilder star) and waiving Erick Dampier's $12 million contract rather than trading it for at least a 2nd round pick. We reunited Kwame Brown with Michael Jordan? Our backup PG blew out his knee 3 seasons ago and has only played 2 solid months of basketball since? Our coach is leaving soon? Michael Wilbon wants us to sign Allen Iverson. Yikes. Fortunately DJ Augustin and Ty Thomas have stepped up in pre-season and this team will be right around .500. Good enough for 6th in the east!
7. Atlanta Hawks - I hate this Hawks team so much. A bunch of better than average players who are extremely lazy and privileged. I'd rather make out with a contest on Biggest Loser than watch this team play. Joe Johnson proved he can't carry a team, even if the team is paying him too. I like Jordan and Jamal Crawford (not related), but that's about it.
8. I'm leaving this spot blank because no one else deserves to be here, every other team will be well under .500.
Let's run thru the rest in no particular order (although Cleveland will definitely be last).
New Jersey Nets - A lot to like here in Brook Lopez and Devin Harris. Fun fact Joe Smith will be digging out of his grave and suiting up for them.
New York Knicks - I love to hate the Knicks and now, they have Raymond Felton, 4th quarter team killer. Him and Amare probably get them to the playoffs and I bet Galinari is awesome again, but isn't fun to hate?
Philadelphia 76ers - Doug Collins was just admitted to the hospital with migraines. This team stinks. Andre Iguadola? Stinks. Elton Brand? Stinks. Don't let John Hollinger's PER numbers fool you on Mareese Speights, he is NOT the best PF in the league.
Toronto Raptors - I think they are probably the 2nd worst team in the league. Their best player is Leandro Barbosa and he hit his peak around 2007. They probably deserve to suck though, since they didn't trade Bosh when they had the chance.
Detroit Pistons - I cant shake my head enough at this team (note, I learned "smh" from athletes on twitter and it means shakin my head. Just a weird lineup, their best two players play the same positions - Rip Hamilton and Ben Gordon - and only one starts. Also, it's fun to get lost in Charlie Villenueva's face.
Indiana Pacers - Ah, the annual whitewash team. ...wait what? Only 4 white players? Gah! They do have a player named Magnum Rolle though - I bet someone's dad has a large penis. Also they may start Roy Hibbert at center, which is fun because I was dying for the Bobcats to take him 2 years ago and now he's like a slower version of Greg Oden.
Washington Wizards - I like this team even if they have 2 all stars at PG in Arenas and John Wall who won't coexist together. Fun offseason fact: they resigned Andrey Blatche to a long term deal, even though he openly quit on the team last year and had to be benched. Great management skills!
Cleveland Cavaliers - They changed their uniforms to look like a high school basketball teams, probably because that's how they will play. Here is their starting 5. Varejao, Antwan Jamison, Jamario Moon, Anthony Parker, Mo Williams. If you were wondering, yes Jamario Moon and Anthony Parker would be 8/9 rotation guys on most other teams. 
Western coming soon!
Empire! Empire! (I Was A Lonely Estate) - I am a Snail, and You Are A Pace I Cannot Match
Is Bogut reliable? I read that he is having a difficult rehab from multiple injuries.
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