Levels of Candy

By Joe

I have a soft spot in my heart for Halloween. A soft, nougat-filled, caramel-injected center of my chocolate, candy-coated heart. There’s something about carving a pumpkin, I just love it. It is Halloween. There is one Halloween memory that I’ve had in my head for a decade and a half. Lights, please…

I was in 5th grade, maybe 6th, I dunno. I was old enough to go trick-or-treating without my parents (not even tailing us from the street!). Me and about 14 other kids from my neighborhood met up to trick-or-treat the shit out of that night. Imagine Sherman’s March to the Sea, but with goblins and candy not armies and destruction. I dressed up as a “Mad Scientist”. I wore my father’s starchy white dress shirt as a lab coat and put sparkly blue tooth paste in my hair. Like I said, mad scientist.
Official trick-or-treat start time was 5:30. We started at 5:20 and didn’t stop. Trick-or-treating had never been attempted at such a ferocious pace. Sprinting from door to door in nearly straight lines. There was no time to walk all the way down the steps and out to the street, then to the next driveway, and then up even more steps. None of that. Flower gardens, low hanging branches, poorly lit retaining walls…it didn’t matter. We were on a candy collection coup.
I remember sweating through some stage make-up my Mom thought would really “top off” my costume. My pillow case was getting really heavy. The toothpaste warmed on my scalp. I panted, “Tricker-treat” as neighbors opened their doors. They wanted to chat and observe costumes. Can’t you see we’re on a mission to get as much candy as freakin’ possible?!?! C’mon lady!! Give me the loot and I’ll leave! (directly through your nice flowers).
This continued for more than three hours until we hit every house on every street in Trotwood Hills. I swear I must have had 30 pounds of candy by the end of the night. We sat in my friend’s front yard, absolutely exhausted from the evening, but excited and proud of the candy mountains we had amassed. We drank water and began the age old ritual known as The Great Halloween Candy Swap.

In candy exchanging tradition, like anything else in this world, there are levels. From candy you’d fight for to items you would give away for free.

The Untouchables
These items are completely off-limits to everyone else at all times. No negotiating, never ever ever. You earned these candies. It is your God-given right to eat these on your own schedule and you would only ever share with those people nearest and dearest to you. Scratch that, you’re keeping all of them for yourself. My Untouchable Halloween Candy: Anything King-Size, Twix, Snickers, Butterfingers, Reese’s Cups, and Peanut M&M’s.

Fantasy Football Equivalent: Chris Johnson 2009, Priest Holmes 2001-2004, Drew Brees 2008-2009

The Bargaining Chips
You liked these items and would eat them enthusiastically. You’re just not married to them. They could be traded, but only carefully. Bonus if you trade one of these for an Untouchable. My Bargaining Chips of Halloween Candy: Milky Ways, Regular M&Ms, Pixie Stix, 100 Grands, Three Musketeers, and Kit-Kats.

Fantasy Football Equivalent: Hines Ward entire career, Edgerrin James as a Cardinal, Donovan McNabb.

The Leftovers
You’d give these away for free about a week after Halloween, even to your little sister. They mean nothing to you. You’re pissed that people even passed them out. They occupied space in your bag that could have been filled with either level of candy mentioned above. You patted yourself on the back if you could somehow turn these into a Bargaining Chip. My Leftovers of Halloween Candy: Jolly Ranchers, Cow Tales, the potato chip bags specifically for trick-or-treating, Reese’s Pieces, Fun Dip, and Mounds.

Fantasy Football Equivalent: Tim Tebow entire career, Matt Cassel 2009, Tony Romo remainder of 2010.

What Halloween Candy would be in each of your levels?

The Groovie Goolies – The Monster Mash

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxcM3nCsglA